“They go to bed with Gilda

and they wake up with me.”
- Rita Hayworth

i’m a fan

david walker

life lesson of the day:

pharmacists know a great deal more about medications than doctors

deep breath

So I’m sitting in Cool Beans working on a paper that’s due in 2 hours for a Women’s Studies class.  Part of my research is on abortion so I was doing some research on it for a random fact.

No biggie right?

So, I get to a website, and all of a sudden I realize that I’ve been to this website before.

Why, you ask?

Because 2 and a half years ago I came to this exact same website to find an abortion clinic in Charleston because I thought I was pregnant.

It’s crazy the places you’ve been and where you can be taken.

Praise for being saved.

if God has marriage in my future

this picture will definitely be occuring

and to my future (possible) husband,

i won’t be apologizing for my behavior,

because i’m hoping that you will find

my behavior both endearing and hilarious

rather than embarassing

just sayin’

“here’s the thing,

it’s not ok!! ama, stop saying it’s ok!  stop saying that!! and if you’re not going to cry over this then DAMNIT I AM!!!!”

sister, i love you

but here’s the thing

when you are weak with me

you help me SO MUCH MORE

then when you try to be strong for me

and that applies to all of you

actual reality

walking into the kitchen to warm up my coffee

thinking about my pills

this time it’s real

this time it’s not another reality

this time i really want them

uh oh

then she comes over

she’s only here for 15 minutes

she just sits next to me

and as she hugs me

she suggests something for us to do after exams

i don’t want to do it

but i know that it will be good

then i check my email

and i had an email from a brother

loving and encouraging

reminding me of where i had been

and where He brought me

crap

bye bye pills

thank you brother and sister

in another reality

I sit there and stare at the pills.

3 would do the trick.

These are my migraine pills. I still have no idea where my others ones are – they’re hidden in the house somewhere.

3 would be perfect.  These pills do nothing for my migraines, but they do the trick when it comes to getting me high. 3 would numb me the way they used to; the way I haven’t been high in almost 2 years.  3 would get me through the Baptism Gathering tonight.  I can hide the high well.  It’s something I’ve mastered well.  It’s not like smoking, and it’s nothing like drinking – There’s no smell; no stumbling; my pupils are so dark that the dilation would be barely noticeable.  I mean, people never knew before.  I might get the spins, but I can control those.  The people that know about the doctors and such would understand if I simply stated “I’m tired,” and those who know everything else have no need to ask for why I would be so quiet.  I wouldn’t have to try and numb myself to the pain; the pills would do the trick.

As I throw away the pills, I regret it.  I regret it because I know that now I have to feel the pain.  I have to deal with it.

But this isn’t my reality.

I’m good at numbing myself

I don’t need pills

thing is,

He’s good at breaking my heart

Dear God, thank You for that.

“i hear Your voice

and i catch my breath

‘well done My child,

enter in, and rest.’

tears of joy roll down my cheek.

it’s beautiful than

all my wildest dreams.”

will the nightmares

ever desist

from the

nights that i slept

in the Enemy’s bed?